Vollywood's movie script (rough draft)

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In Class Essay

Dear diary,

            Like every regular day wake up at 4:00 am in the morning and help mom to ready for a bake sell today, hope there are more people buying our cake it seem so hot and delicious. Look at mom, she is so beautiful today her black long hair nicely tied up with a strong skin color, carrying in her back is my little sister she still sleeping on mom shoulder like a morning angle. I go get change and my uniform is still wet I guess it because of the rain yesterday but I’m going to wear it on anyway the only uniform I have.

            Now is 5:00am now the cake are ready to go I carry her to grandma house so grandma to drop my sister there then I bring her to a market in district one then I drive to school. Past by the American International School, some lucky rich kid didn’t recognize how lucky they are being dress in nice laundry clothe and driving to school in the car holding an Iphone 4 chatting with friends, look at their expensive shoe it equal to money my mom sell for 3 month. They can have a delicious breakfast, and being taught by many cool American guys. Talking about breakfast make me feel so hungry, I been not eat anything since last night, my stomach are yelling and those rich kid stomach is grinning at me. I wonder how is it look inside that school it must be really nice and big with air-conditioner in class with laptops, the more I think the more unfair I feel about this life.

            Walking in my school, I see Luan is calling me to come and join in soccer with him, Luan is a really good at soccer and can do some cool trick that the star can do on TV that I saw at my neighbor house sometime I ask to teach me but the result is fail. The school drums is calling us to get in class, the class room door is wide open welcome us to walk in, inside are old wood table with scratch everywhere, the wall are old cover with black mark on the ceiling, the board are full of drawing from girls in my class try to make fun some new love couple in class and in the corner there is a girl try to fix her hair get ruining by a guy from chasing around. There always a person stain outside to check is teacher come are not when he see teacher he run fast back to class and tell everyone. The girl try to hurry up clean the board and everyone stand still in their sit wait for teacher to get in. when teacher walking in we all say good morning teacher at the same time and wait her to tell us to sit. She start her lesson and nice hand writing on the board.

I like this response. I think it’s interesting to write from the point of view from someone different from you, especially in this case because you’re writing from the point of view from someone who probably sees you as a “lucky rich kid” and may not like you. This is a very creative touch that I think makes your response work especially well. Nice job on this.

            

In Class Essay

          I think about this girl problem a lot if she can make anything get in fire like in X-men movie did, then there must be some other people out there can do some thing the same. In my heart I always sure that there are a thousand of natural things that science can't find out yet maybe human can fly by them self without any electronic machine to help, maybe they just need to be happy like in Peter Pan movie show us when we just a kid, who knows what gonna happen. People use to said those are lies and making attention but I don't believe in that not everyone can lie all the time. And for example in this girl situation ( the girl can make fire) she just a little she can't lie that much and let scientist to do a lot of things on her body every day. 

         This topic make me think further about ghost, a very natural happen in our nature but none of the science can prove that yet. But some people said they already met ghost, they come back to revenge will those words are all lies I mean there are a thousand, more than a thousand people said they meet a ghost then is it all of them are lies. By my eyes with my own eyes and I'm not a liar I saw a ghost in a house when I got to vacation with family, at night I sleep with my cousin, uncle, and house worker.  Suddenly iwaki up at night and I saw a die person walk close to me and and die next to where I sleep, I was too  scare so just close my eyes. When I wake up the second time I look out the window there is a red fabric flying out side make me think of the ghost so I just close my eyes again and hoping is the morning already when I open my eyes again. Wake up I the morning I check out the window and there are no more red fabric fly out side, I come and talk to my house worker about what happen at night and she said she saw the same thing as me. So it was not a dream it real. I tell to my friend about the story some of them are scare and believe me but some of them just think I'm making up story to make my self cooler. 

         Another thing i always concern about is ALIEN are they real ? For serious I have no idea about this information  on Internet they post a picture of alien lay on the snow but then the next post they said it just a fake alien make from chicken skin by a mask maker which post I should believe the first one or the second one? It could be the government don't want city zen to know there are alien exit maybe they think the citizen are not ready for these kind of news?

I think your response is pretty good, but it would work better if you took all of these examples: aliens, the firestarter girl, the ghost you saw, etc. as examples of the bigger issue—is science able to effectively explain our world or are there things that science is unable to explain? I do think the ideas in this response are good, but this could use a little more focus and better organization.